I have no idea what thoughts are about to flow forth from my fingers to this screen.
It is 12:30am as I sit down beginning to type this. I should be in bed. I was in bed. So why am I now up staring at a computer screen??
I. Can't. Sleep.
I haven't been up and down with either of the children (though Fidget did have a fever at bedtime). Papa Bear isn't traveling for work or out on a fire call; he's snuggled up sound asleep with his other bed partner (aka his c-pap machine). Even the cat is curled up on the corner of my bed, near where my legs should be.
I just can't sleep.
<Random sidebar #1: I say near where my legs should be, not where my feet should be, because I sleep with my feet hanging over the edge of the bed. Post-SCI, what sensation I do have tends to be hypersensitive, and when I sleep on my stomach, the pressure of the bed against the tops of my feet is actually to the point of being painful, esp against my toes...so I can feel that my feet are in pain, but I can't move them to fix them. It's obnoxious.
<Random sidebar #2: Sleeping flat on my stomach is for the sake of the skin on my rear. When you're hospitalized with paralysis, nurses want to come in day and night so they can turn you so as to prevent bed sores. Important, but annoying. So I set about to strike a deal with my night shift staff; since I was a belly sleeper anyway pre-paralysis, if I got them to help me roll all the way over would they please just leave me alone the rest of the night?? Luckily for me they went for it. At home, I will typically put my feet up on the bed, and then instead of a lateral transfer I just roll into bed, so I'm already belly down.>
Once I fall asleep I'm usually fine, but I've battled trouble falling asleep for a long time; over ten years I'm sure. I've tried all the methods that are "supposed" to help one fall asleep, but with little success. I think it comes from my gifted brain; I have major trouble shutting my thoughts off at the end of the day. I know it is often recommended to put your thoughts down in a journal at bedtime, but that doesn't work for me because I just keep making more and more thoughts. Mental plans, stewing over things that have gone awry, perseverating over random bits of information...it's like the Energizer bunny lives in my head. Usually I have success putting sitcom reruns on the TV: ones that I've seen so many times that I can just listen to them without having to actually watch the show, and following the dialog is just enough distraction to save my mind from itself. The Cosby Show is one of my favorites for this; well, actually, it's just one of my favorite sitcoms period, and the fact that I've each episode so often makes it quite useful for this purpose.
<Random sidebar #3: I'm so used to writing things on my iPad, that I now find it really annoying that the computer doesn't automatically correct my spelling/caplitalization/etc.>
Other nights, though, even the Cos can't help. My only recourse is some benadryl if I'm desperate, and then running myself to the point that I drop of sheer exhaustion. Once I reach that stage where I can hardly keep my eyes open, I'll climb in bed and put some instrumental music on Pandora, and finally drift off to sleep. I just wish that had come about two hours ago. My only saving grace is that because of Fidget's fever I cancelled his ABA for tomorrow. Mondays are his early day, with the therapist coming at 8am. Obviously I wish he weren't feeling poorly (esp since I'm not sure exactly what the problem is) but it will be nice not having to be up and moving after being up late.
It has now been half an hour since I sat down at the keyboard. I can feel the benadryl kicking in, and my yawns are coming pretty frequently. So I will shut down the office (again) and the living room lamp (again) and put on some relaxing music (again). I will offer prayers of eternal rest for my Dad - this past Saturday would have been his birthday - and pray that this time God grants my body rest before doing it all over again tomorrow.